I just want to start out by saying, I really do feel so loved by the people around me at this time. So many people have prayed for me and has given my motivating uplifting thoughts, which I have greatly appreciated. I thought with time, people didn't probably care but I have been taught wrong. I just had to start by saying Thank You to all those kind and loving people that surround me. I love you guys!!
The past couple of weeks have been so hard for me. Nephi and I decided back in March that we would start the adoption process. I have thought about doing this for a couple of years but after hurting so much, I really needed another road of hope. I asked Nephi to pray and fast about it. He was on board. We went to our Education courses, that were truly uplifting and amazing! I know that adoption is something that can bless so many people and its an unselfish act on both parties. So, we got all of our interviews finished, ready to sign up for our home study and get the process going. Then, I realized I was late. I am on time every month without fail so being a week late probably means, Yes I am pregnant. Its so hard for me because seeing those two lines lately feels like I am the boy that cries "wolf", instead of the most exciting news in my life. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a child! Its just when you have had miscarriage after miscarriage and NO ONE seems to be able to answer your questions or even try to begin to answer your questions, you just start feeling like no one hears your cries nor thinks you are really pregnant. Plus you don't want to tell to many people because you just have to go back to tell them after a couple of weeks, "oh by the way, I miscarried again!"
So this time, when we found out, we decided to take a different direction with it. We told them that this will either be number 2 or number 7. We told them that according to our record, its going to be number 7. Its hard to think of a baby that way, but really its the only way to just distant myself so I don't go in to much of a chocolate depression when it became number 7. I really do care about the outcome!!
I feel blessed though with this pregnancy. I was referred to some specialist from some amazing people in my Church ward. So I prayed that I would stay pregnant long enough for an ultrasound and see Dr. Branch. I did go to my original OBGYN to have my HCG levels checked. My levels were going up but not at the rate they were suppose to. Plus, I decided I can't always count on those. My last pregnancy in March, I had the test done twice and my levels went from 700 to 1400 but three days later, lost it. So, I prayed lots to just get through that first visit. When I had my ultrasound the sac was showing it was 4.5 weeks old instead of the 6.5 weeks that I really was at. I was stressed about that but after talking to the nurses, they said that is fine, the date of conception was probably off. I was given the option to wait 10 days or schedule a d&c. Nephi felt that we should wait, so I listened to my husband and we waited. Took more blood to show my levels were going up by only by 500 not the double or triple we should have been getting. Again, the midwife and nurses said they have seen a slow HCG levels in the start and still have a healthy baby in the end. I decided with all the blood I gave, I think someone should invent a same device that you can pluck your blood through your finger and check your HCG levels. I know they have them for Diabetes but they need them for pregnant women that lack patience, LIKE ME!!!
Another struggle I had with this pregnancy is that we didn't have a definite answer. I am a black or white answer but I felt like I was getting gray answers. There was never, you are going in this direction or that direction but you could be going this way or that way. I struggle with it and patience is definitely something I need to work on!!!
On Sunday, I started to spot. I was emotionally all over the place. I ended coming home from church so I could just cry and not have to see all those happy faces. I thought I was headed for miscarriage then but it was never bright red, which is good according to the midwife. I went three days of spotting and took more blood(I am so surprised I have any blood left!! I keep the labs operating and thriving well, I just know it!!). I had an appointment on Wednesday to get a game plan. I was so happy to get a game plan!! I was so surprised that my levels had gone up. It was the ultrasound that told the story. It was the sack that really looked like nothing was in it. I didn't want to see it, I didn't see it until the Dr. Branch told me that the baby's progression wasn't there at all. He told me, its a d&c you will get.
My heart, was sad but I will openly admit, I was Happy!! Was I awful to feel that way? I don't think so. Let me tell you, I have begged doctor after doctor to give me one. For two reasons. One, my father tells me that when my mother was alive and trying to have children, she had multiple miscarriages between us children. There about 4 to 5 years between each sibling. She would have a d&c and the next time she got pregnant, that child would stick and one of us child was born. Apparently this happened with my father's mother too. So can you see why I would just want to try it once? Second reason, Dr. Branch is a reseacher in miscarriages. He wants to test this little sack and see if they can find any answers. I am ready for answers. Good or bad, I am ready for them. Its better than being in the dark, which I feel like I have been for the past 5 years.
I am so grateful for modern medicine. I am so grateful for doctors that are willing to take their time to help is understand what is going on with our bodies. I so want another child! I would love to bear another or if adoption is going to be the way, I am excited for both paths. I know that I am so loved. I am again so grateful for those people that have cared for me and shown their concern for me especially, ward member and neighbors. I love who I am and for this trial. It hasn't been easy but my testimony and faith have been strengthen from it. I so love my husband Nephi! I am so grateful for all of the blessings he has given me. I hope I haven't annoyed him too much :) I am grateful for my parents, my in-laws and my brothers and sisters that have shown great love and concern for me. I also, love my Bentley! She is amazing!! I will push through because of her. I know that no matter what happens, I know that my prayers have been answered.
Thanks for letting me get this all out in the open. I needed my thoughts put out there so I can heal better. Love you all!!
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